How I began and where I am headed now
If I look back to the life I used to have growing up, my teens, 20's and 30's, I can honestly say it was very unbalanced with mixed amounts of unkindness. There had been a lack of consistent love and kindness and my childhood home life was very volatile. I lived then and until recently in fight, flight or freeze mode and a consistent anxious state. I only really discussed all of this much later on in my life because I felt abnormal and embarrassed.
I have always been a very social person. Always laughing and smiling so people would never really know how I was feeling and the pain I was holding onto. With low self esteem and self worth I had attracted exactly that back from a lot of people who showed up in my life, friends, family and romantic relationships.
I had been married to a lovely man in my 20's and found I was in a life that I felt stuck in, a life planned out for me and one I wasn't ready for then. I didn't even know who I was, let alone what I wanted for me in my life or even where I was headed. 10 years later we got divorced and I am pleased to say we have remained friends.
Growing up as I did, a chubby little blondie bomber bubbly and loud with so much presence. I loved life and I loved food. I would get excited for every meal. Then one day for me the unthinkable, unimaginable happened. Someone who we are taught would love you no matter what, said the unthinkable to me about how I looked and it changed the trajectory of my life.
It started by feeling utterly ashamed of who I was and who I was related too. I started to look in the mirror feeling very self conscious, I was just a little girl. I didn't see me anymore. I wouldn't get to see her again for a long time. I need to be better, I needed to be prettier, I needed to be smaller. These were my thoughts. My love for food turned to hate. Carrying such low self esteem and opinion of myself meant that this was what I attracted into my life. People who I thought I could trust would be very inconsistent with me, the put downs and unkindness just seemed to sky rocket. I couldn't even always differentiate someone being genuine to me anymore. Which then led me to making mistakes.
I turned to exercise in my early 20's and I loved it. I was then empowered to learn to teach classes and I had built up a great following doing something I loved, but there was great emotional pressure from myself to continue to be perfect, look perfect and food was still a big issue. I had been over exercising to feel better and as much as I loved all the exercise I did, it wasn't good for me ( something I realised years later). So as you can see that comment as a child that changed my trajectory had attached limiting beliefs to me too:
Food is bad for you
You must be perfect if you want to be loved
You are not worthy of love and respect if you don't exercise and keep in shape
By my mid-30's something changed in me. I was sick of living this way. Sick of the struggle. I was done with it . I suddenly had a desire to stop this. I had made a decision and it was time to change. I started to look at all the people in my life that did not compliment my life and removed them from my life. I was done with unkindness and inconsistencies for good. I looked at my relationships with men and they all had a common theme, a lack of kindness. So then I took a good look at me, I needed to do something to create my new life and I didn't know how so I found myself a coach. I needed support and I was no longer ashamed to ask for it and thank goodness I did. It literally turned my life around, to create a life full of love, worth, respect, kindness. I now had hope I could really create my dream life and have a kinder way of living.
At the age of 39, my life started to change. I understood the value of looking after my body kindly, I had started doing Yoga and turned it into my daily practice, I had begun to reduce the amount I exercised. I loved food again. I honestly loved eating again, I had a coach someone to talk openly too. I changed my job having new found confidence and I earned more money than I thought possible. I was financially abundant for the first time in my life. Everything was changing for me. I was getting stronger and I started to really like myself again.
It was around the same time that I decided to take my career into my own hands. Sick and tired of never having enough money and working all the hours under the sun, as a Personal Assistant, teaching exercise classes to make ends meet and although I loved my job, I wanted more and it was time. I focused on what was important to me then, happiness and money. That was it. Finding something I loved to do and receiving the rewards in the form of more money was important to me. To have freedom to live how I had always dreamt of living and to have a passion for what I was doing was also just as important. Within a year I had secured a Sales Specialist role and the money kept coming in in the £1000's and £1000's each month and within 18 months I had over tripled my original PA salary. Working less hours, learning new skills, transferable skills that I use today, in my business. Did I have times where I was scared and fearful, absolutely, but I also had a drive in me now that I just could not ignore. I didn't know it then, but everything I was doing was leading me to where I am today, a job (although it still feels like a hobby to me most days) I am extremely passionate about and successful in, my own business and a diary of wonderful clients who I am guiding to transform their lives too. You really can have all you desire if you focus on the direction you want to head in and as I did, have the support behind you to keep you on the right path.
There was one fundamental thing missing still. Learning to really love myself. I never knew what that meant, but I knew I was on the right path as I had been eliminating unkindness from my life and from my view of myself. I see it all so clearly now. You can't be truly loved until you can learn to truly love and respect you for who you are. I thought I did, but the feedback from the universe was too strong to ignore anymore.
Today, I am here fully embracing my new life. With love for myself, respect, huge amounts of confidence, self worth and esteem. I look at myself in the mirror confidently and love what I see on the outside and on the inside now. I am headed on the right path and I am very excited about the future. I am only surrounded by love and kindness now and I intend it to stay this way. I have completely changed my career and I left the corporate world to follow my passion, my dream, to give back to those that, like me, need some guidance to reach for that life they LOVE DESERVE AND DESIRE.
So, to say I know how it feels is probably an understatement. As you can see from reading my story, I truly know how it feels to hold onto pain, to have a chaotic life of unkindness and to live a life in lack, desperate for change, knowing that there is more out there, but not understanding how to get hold of it, to get hold of the life you truly deserve. This is why I created As the Pennies Drop because my dream is to help inspire people avoid what I have been through at all costs. To learn as early on in life as possible ( though it is never too late) that you are worth more than the unfulfilled life you have created for yourself. With my transformation, my wish is to help to transform the lives of others, to let go of all the hurts and pains to truly live life to the max, limitless and fulfilled.
If you have patterns that keep following you around, you feel stuck or there are things in your life that aren't how you would like them to be with your body, relationships, career, money, success, health, sometimes all you need is that kind listening ear from someone who really gets it to guide you on the path you want to head towards. Please get in touch.